I’ll probably lose any geek cred that I have by admitting this, but I really don’t like Johnny Depp. I know somewhere deep down there is a good actor hiding, but he’s been so busy hamming it up with Tim Burton and Gore Verbinski for the last 15 years it rarely has the chance to get out. So the news that Depp will be reuniting with his “Pirates” shipmate Verbinski for “The Lone Ranger” is really no surprise. The only thing it really means is that “The Lone Ranger” is doomed. Any desire I had to see this went out the window when these two signed on. I’d rather watch Uwe Boll’s Holocaust flick than ever give this a chance. What say you?

Fanboys everywhere were relieved to hear that Brett Ratner wouldn’t get his filthy inept mitts all over the Conan remake. Sadly he’s been replaced with the possibly even more hacktacular Marcus Nispel. For those of you who don’t already know Nispel is the man responsible for ruining the Friday the 13th and Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes. He also directed the inexplicably awful Pathfinder. There are a lot of fanboys out there who are really excited about this. Is Nispel really better than Ratner? It’s not so much a step up or a step back. It seems more like a step to the side. I can only hope at this point that this project never sees the light of day.

* Is Nispel’s only goal as a director to make shitty versions of other people’s films?

* Who do you want to direct a Conan remake?

Hollywood makes a lot of useless direct to video sequels. If you go to the video store and browse the new release wall you’re likely to find at least 3 new American Pie movies a week. Okay maybe that’s an exaggeration, but not by much. Sadly, for fans of the original, Hollywood has decided we need a sequel to 2001′s cult classic Donnie Darko. Of all the useless ideas for sequels this may be the worst. The story picks up 7 years after the original with Samantha Darko and her best friend Corey on a road trip to Los Angeles. When their car breaks down, leaving them stranded in a small desert town, Samantha is plagued by bizarre visions and is forced to confront her past. Sounds like a great idea for a sequel right? I didn’t think so either. The trailer for S. Darko premieres at Comic-Con this weekend, most likely to a barrage of boos and assorted swag being thrown at the screen. The film releases to DVD April 28th if you care.

I’m not totally against remakes. If they’re done properly they can be quite fun. But the trailer for The Last House on the Left makes me cringe. It looks horrifyingly bad. The acoustic cover of Sweet Child of Mine that is used in the update almost makes the film seem light hearted in comparison the brutal and shocking original. Do yourself a favor. Watch the trailer. Have a laugh. Then go rent the original.

Note to Mr. Craven Please don’t allow them to remake Nightmare on Elm Street. It’s just not worth it.

Yes, THAT Monopoly. For once, I am utterly speechless.  Follow the link for more instead.

Dear god.

How is it that all significant news that comes up lately is either about sequels or remakes?  And it’s almost never something to get excited about.

So I guess what Brett Ratner does when he’s not looking in the mirror telling himself how awesome he is, is to decide what movie franchise to screw up next.  Turns out he had to make a choice between a new Beverly Hills Cop movie or a new Conan movie.  Of course he chooses the one that I would actually want to see if made by another director: Conan.  $5 says he briefly considered taking the starring role himself.

I mean, it’s not even like the X-Men movies were fantastic or anything, but there’s really no excuse for how bad 3 was, and those horrible CG “young” versions of Patrick Steward and Ian McKellan give me nightmares.  Zak Penn has shown a modicum of talent in the past, he should retroactively make his participation in that pile of crap an Alan Smithee project.

Damn you, Ratner!

Park Chank-Wook’s Oldboy is a near perfect revenge thriller. The thought of this movie being remade here in America makes my physically ill. The thought of Spielberg and Will Smith collaborating on such a project makes me even more so. While I think both parties are capable of making good films I’d have to say that the subject matter of this film isn’t really fit for mass consumption and with those two names attached it would be difficult to sell Oldboy without losing a lot of what made the original great. Do we really need to remake this movie? It is currently just in the developmental stage and hasn’t been given the green light yet. So lets cross our fingers and hope they find something else they’d rather do. What say you?

I really can’t explain how bad Wilmer Valderrama’s Creepshow web series looks, you’ll just have to watch for yourselves. Please watch till the very end, Michael Madsen’s final line almost had me in tears.

Question: Has Madsen done anything worth watching short of Reservoir Dogs?

It’s finally here! The trailer none of you have been waiting for! And wow is it bad. Complete with awful tagline! Of course I’m going to watch it, I’ll watch anything. I sat through both Starship Troopers sequels damnit! I’ll be very upset if they don’t at some point fling brain matter or body parts at the audience. This is a 3D horror movie what else could they throw at you? Oh right a pick axe. I knew there was a reason they chose to make this 3D.

What kind of no talent assclowns could possibly be involved in a remake of Friday the 13th you ask? Well those assclowns happen to be Michael Bay and Marcus Nispel. The pair remade Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 2003 and in my opinion is was a watchable remake, but didn’t compare to the original. It was however a major box office success. I guess they’re hoping lighting will strike twice. Below is the first teaser trailer for Friday the 13th which will, you guessed it, be opening on February Friday the 13th. The trailer looks stylish, but remember Nispel also directed Pathfinder. If you’ve seen that than you know exactly what I’m talking about, if you haven’t follow these steps:
1. find large screwdriver
2. forcefully jam large screwdriver into eye.
3. now you have had the same experience the rest of us did while watching Nispel’s Pathfiinder
before you do any of that, check out the trailer below.

Sidenote: February is usually a deadzone for movies. It’s reserved for the worst of the worst. It seems to me that no matter how bad this movie is, if it was released near Halloween or even any other time it would stand to make a lot more money.