If What to Expect When You’re Expecting is indicative of real life experiences for waiting parents, then childbearing must be full of clichés, caricatures and contrivances. It must be like a desperate, unfunny screenplay that thinks it’s exploring the spectrum of pregnancy possibilities when really it knows no more about the event than the characters that are going through it. This sad excuse for a film takes the miracle of childbirth and trivializes it with cheesy dialogue, over-the-top melodramatics and bad comedy. It’s not one of the worst of the year thanks to a solid cast that does as much as they can with very little, but it’s still fairly awful.

The story is comprised of individual vignettes of characters who are all, whether they like it or not, expecting a baby. First we meet famous health guru, Jules (Cameron Diaz), a current contestant on the latest celebrity dance show, who discovers she and her dance partner, Evan (Matthew Morrison), are expecting after throwing up on stage at the end of a live taping. Later we are introduced to Holly (Jennifer Lopez) and her husband Alex (Rodrigo Santoro) who are unable to have babies and are looking into adoption. Meanwhile, baby crazy Wendy (Elizabeth Banks) and her husband Gary (Ben Falcone) are so eager to raise a child that they set their phones to alert them when Wendy is ovulating. Their careful planning eventually works and Wendy soon finds herself with a baby bump. In an interesting coincidence, Gary’s dad, former racecar driver Ramsey (Dennis Quaid), and his young trophy wife Skyler (Brooklyn Decker) are also expecting. Finally, there’s a young couple, Marco (Chace Crawford) and Rosie (Anna Kendrick) who have sex just one time in the heat of the moment and find themselves facing something they aren’t ready for.

As is a problem with many movies of this type where multiple stories are juggled in a small amount of time, What to Expect When You’re Expecting is sloppy. Nearly all of the stories are rushed through, underexplored and underdeveloped and the result is a disconnected mess. Most movies will try to somehow link these stories together so it feels like there’s a reason for them to be told, but the majority of these characters never cross paths, unless you’re speaking in the literal sense in that they occasionally walk by each other, a lazy transition between already lazy stories if there ever was one. The longer this goes on, as you wait for it make a point or take an unexpected turn or, well, do anything at all, the less tolerating it becomes.

Any promising moment is ruined by its need to tell its stories quickly for the purpose of shortening the runtime (an unfortunate effect of vignette movies). For instance, when the young one time sexual offenders, Marco and Rosie, find out they’re pregnant, one would suspect them to contemplate abortion because, regardless of your stance on the issue, it’s a natural thought for scared young people who suddenly find themselves facing a responsibility they’re not sure they can handle to have. Marco does indeed allude to it by asking what Rosie’s going to do about her situation, but then it’s glossed over, almost like the question was never raised in the first place. When the movie eventually gets back to them after spending time with the other characters, their decision has been made and they’re fully devoted to having the baby. Their evolution is far too fast and strips the film of any realism.

Normally with these types of films, there are at least one or two stories that outshine the rest, but that’s not the case here. All, including the supposed-to-be-funny group of dads who support each other’s parental negligence, are bland and thinly written. The cast is game and most retain their charm—Elizabeth Banks is still affable and Anna Kendrick is as lovely as ever—but the best cast in the world couldn’t make these characters come to life. Simply put, there just isn’t much to What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I would say it’s a failure, but I’m not sure it was even trying.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting receives 1/5

Sacha Baron Cohen is no stranger to the absurd. After three progressively ridiculous films, Ali G Indahouse, Borat and Bruno, all of which were based on characters from his HBO program, Da Ali G Show, it’s clear the man has no limit. He’ll go anywhere and everywhere if it means he’ll get a laugh, even if that means pushing the boundaries beyond what many would deem tasteful. What those people fail to see, however, is the biting satire hiding beneath its immature and offensive veneer. His show as well as his films (Ali G Indahouse notwithstanding) have displayed unimaginable examples of racism, homophobia, religious bigotry and more through a mockumentary style where the camera is turned on us, exposing the more hateful thoughts some of us manage to disgracefully conjure up. His latest film, The Dictator, abandons that mockumentary style and, transitively, much of its satirical bite. Save for a few inspired moments, The Dictator is more absurd comedy than social commentary, but it’s one that is undeniably funny, right on par with 21 Jump Street as the funniest movie of the year.

The tagline for The Dictator reads as such: “The heroic story of a dictator who risks his life to ensure that democracy would never come to the country he so lovingly oppressed.” If you find humor in that sentence, this movie is right up your alley—no further convincing should be needed—but I’ll continue on for those who want a bit more background. Baron Cohen plays Admiral General Aladeen, the dictator of the fictional North African country of Wadiya. He’s in the process of creating nuclear weapons, which the United Nations isn’t too happy about. In response, they demand he address them regarding his plans for the weapons, so he heads off to America. However, his backstabbing advisor, Tamir (Ben Kingsley) has plans of his own and orders to have him killed. After escaping his seemingly inevitable death (now without a beard—his single most defining trait), he learns of a double being used to eventually sign a constitution that will bring democracy to Wadiya. He can’t let that happen, so he begins working at a hippie, left wing shop run by a feminist named Zoey (Anna Faris) that is catering the event in the hopes of infiltrating it, taking back his rightful place as dictator and assuring his people don’t receive democratic freedom.

It’s understandable to bring some hesitance into a viewing of The Dictator. One of the main reasons Baron Cohen’s two best films are so good is due to their approach. They followed only the most thinly mapped out stories and allowed the comedy to surface not so much based on Cohen’s presence, but more so on the reaction of the unwitting participants to what he was actually doing. The same can be said for the satire, as shocking and disgusting as some of it may have been. By throwing himself into precarious situations that yielded interesting (and sometimes dangerous) results, Cohen was able to point out flaws in our actions and beliefs. Leaving all that behind could have led to a movie that felt too safe, one that stuck too closely to a script and didn’t allow his sensational improvisational skills to shine, but such is not the case. The Dictator doesn’t necessarily feel scripted—the string of events in this movie are so bizarre, they feel more like random happenstances—and the ad-libbing remains intact. The narrative dialogue that must be said for the story to progress is never prominent enough to overshadow some of the film’s on-the-spot vocal concoctions.

Whether Admiral General Aladeen is learning the joys of self pleasure or giving a speech about what’s possible in a dictatorship, (of which all were done in the democratic America), the end result is almost always hilarious. What disappoints the most about The Dictator isn’t that the expected commentary isn’t there, but rather that it tries to be there, but isn’t fleshed out enough to work. It occasionally brings forth the wretchedness of many people’s discriminatory behavior, but those themes were explored more thoughtfully in his previous films. Although a spoof on dictators and dictatorships in general, it too fails to make any real point about them, instead only pointing out the obvious, like the superiority complexes that can rightfully be assigned to any dictator. Not every movie has to include an enlightening take on a particular subject—leaving it out is just fine if you have a technical prowess behind the production—but including it and failing is something worth addressing. That unfortunately happens here.

Still, The Dictator delivers on the laughs so frequently that you don’t miss the commentary that was featured so prominently in Borat and Bruno. Sacha Baron Cohen is once again fearless with his performance, proving he’s a force to be reckoned with in the comedic world and the soundtrack, which is full of Middle Eastern renditions of popular American songs like Dr. Dre’s “The Next Episode,” is so offensive you can’t help but laugh at it. I may never look at Forrest Gump the same way ever again, but that’s a small price to pay to laugh as much as I did while watching The Dictator.

The Dictator receives 4/5

1)Johnny Vengeance: (JV)

Synopsis: The heroic story of a dictator who risks his life to ensure that democracy would never come to the country he so lovingly oppressed.
Why I’m Watching It: Sacha Baron Cohen has been pretty right on with most of his comedy in my opinion. I was a big fan of Borat and , even if to a lesser degree, I liked Bruno. The trailers for The Dictator did absolutely nothing for me, but after reading some positive reviews from people that I trust I’m going to give it a shot. We’ll definitely be reviewing this on the next episode of Cinemapocalypse.

Interesting Facts About The Film:
A) As a promotional stunt for the film Sacha Baron Cohen was accompanied by a camel down the red carpet.
B) Nadia Tonova, the director of the National Network for Arab American Communities, released a statement condemning Cohen’s portrayal of Arabs. He then later admitted that he had not actually seen the film yet, but based this opinion solely on the trailer. Good job

2. Scanners 2: The New Order

Synopsis: A scanner discovers a plot by renegade elements in the city government to take power with the help of evil scanners.

Why I’m watching it: The original is a staple of 80′s Science Fiction. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a must. I haven’t seen the sequels since I was a teenager and I figured I’d give them another chance. Did I mention that there are exploding heads…a lot of them?

Interesting facts about the films:
A) After directing two DTV Scanners sequels director Christian Duguay went on to helm such winners as Art of War (Wesley Snipes) and Screamers (Peter Weller).
B) Pitchshifter named a song after the fictional drug Ephemoral. Ephemoral is the drug that is blamed for giving Scanners their power.

2)Disco

High School USA

Synopsis: Run of the mill made-for-tv ensemble movie that happens to be packed with more 80′s icons and washed up sitcom stars than you can shake a stick at.

Why I’m Watching It: Michael J. Fox, Crispin Glover, Dana Plato, Anthony Edwards, Tony Dow, Todd Bridges, and Bob Denver in a hazy, low-budget early 80s tv movie is impossible to pass up. Who cares what it’s actually about?

Interesting Facts About The Film:
A) This was supposedly produced as a pilot for a new show that would have starred a young Joel Hodgson of MST3K fame, which he declined.
B) While many of the cast members were in contemporary sitcoms, Crispin Glover had only appeared in a handful of TV movies and one feature film prior to this.

Vicious Lips

Synopsis: A band finally gets the opportunity for that breakthrough gig if they can make it to an “in” club on another planet in time…

Why I’m Watching It: As brought up on last week’s podcast, Albert Pyun is a personal favorite. Plus I can’t resist 80′s cheese, especially when it involves music. Seriously, about 10 seconds of a trailer on youtube and I was 100% sold.

Interesting Facts About The Film:
A) For a movie based so heavily around music, the composer’s greatest claim to fame is being Ed Wood Jr.’s stepson.
B) The movie appears to be a dead end for careers – most of the actors either never worked in the business again, or only made one or two more movies.

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At this point, the result of a collaboration between Tim Burton and Johnny Depp isn’t so much an acquired taste as it is one that you’ve already come to enjoy, but has a sour aftertaste. Many would argue that after a string of solid movies for the duo, including Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood and Sleepy Hollow, they’ve hit a lull and in recent years have been unable to recapture the magic that existed so long ago. I would argue, however, that they’re still as wonderful as ever. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street should have been nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars, Corpse Bride was a wonderfully macabre, but ultimately satisfying adventure into the abyss of death and Alice in Wonderland, though certainly flawed, was a quirky and visually interesting take on the classic story. Only once with the ill advised Charlie and the Chocolate Factory have they failed to entertain. Their latest collaboration, an adaptation of the campy soap opera from the 60s titled Dark Shadows, is a minor entry in both of their mostly impressive careers, but it’s funny, fun, different and it boasts some terrific performances.

Dark Shadows is set in the 18th century and follows a young Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) as he and his family sail off to America. Once there, he becomes somewhat of a playboy, living with untold riches and striking up a physical relationship with Angelique (Eva Green), a worker in the home he so affectionately calls Collinwood Manor. However, a physical relationship is all he’s interested in because his love belongs to someone else. This breaks Angelique’s heart, which is something Barnabas may have tried to avoid had he known she was a witch, so she puts a curse on him that kills his entire family, including the woman he loves, and turns him into a vampire. With the help of the townsfolk, she eventually captures him, places him in a chained up coffin and buries him in the ground to live in darkness for all eternity. Two hundred years later, a construction crew stumbles onto his grave and accidentally lets him out, so he makes his way back to Collinwood Manor to meet the newest members of his family, including Elizabeth (Michelle Pfeiffer), her daughter Carolyn (Chloe Grace Moretz), her brother Roger (Jonny Lee Miller), his son David (Gulliver McGrath) and their live-in psychiatrist Dr. Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter). It’s not too long before Angelique hears of Barnabas’ escape, so she sets out to either win him over or destroy him for good.

Dark Shadows coasts by on a one joke premise: that an 18th century man has stumbled into a 20th century world that he doesn’t understand. Frankly, it’s a story that could have been told in any genre and without the fantasy/horror elements, of which seem to exist solely to create a somewhat believable way to make the set up happen. Such arbitraries hardly matter, however, when you have actors who are up to the task of taking an already witty script and making it even more enjoyable. Depp brings his A-game, which he always does to a Tim Burton production, and it’s endlessly entertaining to watch his 18th century look, mannerisms and rhetoric contrast with a time when hippies ruled and metal was emerging (which leads to a great cameo by one of the all time metal greats, Alice Cooper). Because he has laid in darkness for 200 years, Barnabas has not seen the world progress and still holds onto archaic trains of thought, most humorously when he attributes everything he doesn’t understand to Satan. Even his notion of sexuality is stuck in the past; he covets women based on their child bearing hips rather than modern characteristics men typically look for.

Dark Shadows is not a particularly serious movie, as one should be able to tell by now. Despite its (sometimes downplayed) haunting, gothic visual style that Burton has an affinity for, there are more laughs than anything else, a notion that most viewers would find hard to argue with after the montage set to The Carpenter’s “Top of the World.” It’s not the most polished film Burton has ever done and sports some noticeably amateurish flaws, including one particular shot where the eyelines don’t match up, but it’s nevertheless a surprising delight. Its trailers were worthy of groans, but what doesn’t work in short form works wonderfully in context, similar to 2009’s surprise hit, The Blind Side. It’s not the most subtle film in the world (the connection between one of the characters and Barnabas’ deceased love is plainly obvious), but Dark Shadows is goofy in all the right ways.

Dark Shadows receives 3.5/5

The original Maniac still stands as one of my favorite 80′s slasher films, even if it is more than a bit flawed. While I found Frank Khalfoun’s P2 to be a little more than disappointing I’m still holding out hope for his take on Maniac. Above, as well as below you can find a few stills from the film. The remake is penned and produced by Alexander Aja. Anyone else out there excited for this one?

Via Collider

Synopsis: A dying 15-year-old boy draws stories of an invincible superhero as he struggles with his mortality.

Cast: Andy Serkis, Thomas Brodie Sangster, Michael McElhatton, Sharon Horgan, Aisling Loftus

Release Date: Currently in select cities and available on demand.

Why You Should See It: The cast is simply amazing. Serkis and Sangster turn in great performances and are well supported by the rest of the cast. The film is both raunchy and touching at the same time. Next time you’re thinking about queuing up something from Netflix, skip it and spend the 6 dollars to watch this. I promise it will be worth every penny.

Synopsis: A career criminal (Gibson) nabbed by Mexican authorities is placed in a tough prison where he learns to survive with the help of a 9-year-old boy.

Why I’m Watching It: Mel Gibson fascinates me. Just a few years ago he was banking 20 million dollars/film and now here he is in a direct to VOD action film. It’s no secret why Gibson’t career has plummeted as of late, but I still enjoy watching the man work regardless of his crazy antics. I would say I’m watching it because it’s probably going to be train wreck, but after watching the trailer I’d say it actually looks pretty damned entertaining.

Interesting Facts About The Film:
A) The film stands a 0% chance of making back it’s 20 million dollar budget.
B) Director Adrian Grunberg has previously worked with Gibson twice as an AD on both Apocalypto and Edge of Darkness.

Synopsis: A scientific group set out on a journey into space to find a magical creature. What they find is a killer computer on the ship they chartered.

Why I’m watching it: George R.R. Martin is all the rage right now. While I still haven’t seen a single episode of Game of Thrones, nor have I read any of his books, I still wanted to see what his 80′s cheesefest had to offer. It certainly doesn’t hurt that Catherine Mary Stewart (The Last Starfighter) is in it.

Interesting Facts About The Film:
A) Director Robert Collector left production of the film before the edit was complete and requested that his name not appear in the credits. I guess he didn’t want to tarnish his image, since he already had THIS amazing film in his list of credits.
B) The film is co-written by Robert Jaffe who wrote Demon Seed and Motel Hell. Two films which I personally love.

Let’s face it, a remake of The Crow is inevitable. The awful sequels starred everyone from Edward Furlong to Vincent Perez. So for today’s Casting Couch we’ll take a look at who the studios have looked at so far and ponder who we’d like to see in the lead when this finally hits the screen on its slated 2013 date. Take a look at the list below and vote for your favorite. As usual if you have someone in mind who didn’t make the list leave it in the comments.